Who needs chores?

Day-to-day questions that bother on-line child care workers are dealt with in this write-in series.

"The worst part of my day (and maybe the worst part of my job as a child care worker) is daily chores. They are the least inspiring of times, just a constant battle with the kids. All the gains we may make in any one day seem to get lost in the hassles and conflicts of daily chores."

Most child care workers will agree with you. Household chores need to be seen in two ways:

Something which must be done every day in every home and family (the 'daily grind'), and
Something which reflects children's growing skills and sense of responsibility (development) .

The daily grind
A.S Neill, the famous headmaster of Summerhill School, remembered how he hated working in the garden during a stay at his brother's house – until he realised it was because it was not his own garden. Nobody really enjoys boring household and garden work – unless it has some special meaning for them. It's different if they are doing things with special people, or they have a sense of pride in their home, or they enjoy planting flowers and arranging pot plants and generally beautifying the place. Most children hate chores. Children in care often have even more reason for being unwilling.

Let's try to work out what the basic problems might be:

They usually have other things on their minds. It is not easy for them to stick at a single task for a long time.
They are not too sure about the adults in the institution (or people in general for that matter). They don't like being told what to do by people who are not close to them.
They often feel let down, left out, or hurt in some way. Sweeping a floor or drying dishes seems to have nothing to do with how bad they are feeling.
This is not their chosen place to stay many would rather be somewhere else. They do not easily have a loyalty to the children's home.
They might not have the same ideas about tidiness and hygiene.
They might not understand our complaints about their room – which might seem like criticism of their family home.

These basic problems sometimes grow into bigger ones, depending on how we handle them:

We can get into power struggles over household duties, so we may add some new 'win-or-lose' feelings to chores.
We are often impatient or we express ourselves negatively – "You are late again!", “You have done this job badly.", “You are being defiant." – and thus not help our relationship building with the child.
We may punish for poor or slow performance, filling housework time with new fears and angers.

What are some of the ways in which we might help make household duties a more positive part of our day “and of the children's day?

Agree honestly with the children's feelings about chores. “Sure, it's a bore having to sweep out this passage every day.", “I wish there was an easier way of washing dishes, don't you?"
Accept the children's house duties as a contribution to the household, not just obedience to the rules. Instead of saying “This room has been satisfactorily tidied", try to say more often “Thanks for doing that. The room looks so nice now."
Do chores with the children, especially the harder and lonelier tasks. “Gosh, the dining room is a mess this morning. Let me help you with this." “it's dark out here early in the morning! I'll pick up these papers with you today."
Sometimes we also need to do chores for the children. At chores time we often get like tough hospital matrons, bearing down on the kids with high inspection standards. We forget that they also need mothering: “Let me straighten this out for you.", “You can't be comfortable with all this clutter on here. I'll move it for you."
Vary each child's chores regularly. Sweeping the same lounge every day for a whole school term can put off the toughest youngster. Give them a change every week or so – and by listening to them you can even work out which jobs they like and which jobs they don't like.
Help the children to understand (or even let them take part in) how duties are given to various children. “How many boys do you think we will need for cleaning the courtyard this week?"

Skills and responsibility
Whether we like it or not, we all eventually have to learn to contribute to the tidying, cleaning and upkeep of our homes. And the same is true for the children in our care. Once they get over their early problems at the time of coming into care, we have to get them on the path of normal development again.

How can we fit this idea into our chores routines?
Little children can usually only do little jobs. In fact, when the tasks are short and simple, they love doing little jobs – and they expect us to notice, to thank them and even make a big fuss over them. But remember: asking youngsters of any age to do something which is too hard for them will only discourage them. And failing to thank and 'make a fuss' of youngsters of any age will discourage them.

Some ideas for practice

Household tasks can be very helpfully planned so as to affirm for children their growing abilities, and to challenge them to grow new skills. Since chores time is a regular slot in the daily programme, it can be used in individual treatment planning. “John has got a kick out of cleaning the bus so well, and staff have been paying him to clean their cars. For the time being this is very useful feedback for him."
Brainstorm in your staff meetings the possible reasons for a child's unwilling-ness to help with chores. If it is simply the normal laziness of youth, then you really have no special problem – just the same problem as all parents. But is it perhaps more serious – maybe mistrust of the adults, afraid of not being cared for, no feeling of belonging, bothered by other problems, no motivation ... ? If it is any of these things, then include these with the goals of your individual treatment plan.
Chores can be a sign of the youngsters' general attitudes and progress. Refusal or reluctance to do duties may be one of the few opportunities they have for showing their feelings, their anger, their independence. What other chances do they get to show us their 'power'?
Duties should be given some special personal value, and some positive meaning for the whole household. They should never be seen only as cold tasks which we 'expect' the children to do. Only in this way do we slowly build their inner wish to do things. Especially in child care situations, the value of the youngsters' work needs to be expressed. “Thank goodness for Tony! He fixed the plug on the TV for us, so we can all watch tonight."
'Fairness' in allocating tasks cannot be measured in kilograms or minutes. Matching personal skills to tasks adds greatly to their developmental value. “Sheila only tidies the small bathroom this week, because in the afternoons she is making that new tablecloth for us." or “Remember that Howard mows all the lawns for us every weekend".

Conclusion
Doing house duties is not what the youngsters came into care for. As we struggle with them at chore time, it is good to remember this. Chores are just one of the negatives of residential services; if a child had been referred to an out-patient or child guidance clinic, he probably would not have been expected to empty the rubbish bins or sweep the car park. If the youngsters get a feeling that they belong with our institution and its staff, that is a plus, and they will probably contribute happily to the upkeep. Getting them eventually to reach this point is what our job is really all about. So, willingness at chores time is a spin-off of a successful programme. We must avoid the situation where youngsters earn approval only because they clean floors or wash dishes promptly and obediently.

If only one point in this short review gave you something to think about, that's good. If there was just one useful idea, help yourself!