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Since it's founding in 1997, the CYC-Net discussion group has been asked thousands of questions. These questions often generate many replies from people in all spheres of the Child and Youth Care profession and contain personal experiences, viewpoints, as well as recommended resources.
Below are some of the threads of discussions on varying Child and Youth Care related topics.
Questions and Responses have been reproduced verbatim.
Listen to thisHello
I am a Child and Youth worker and I work within a school system. I
have parents asking me questions on a regular basis on various topicsand
onetopic thatcomes upis divorce. I often redirect to more qualified
individuals but would like togain more knowledge in this area.
I would like to present a 'case study' and ask for input.
Father has been separated for almost 6 years. For five of them he has
been with someone else, 3 of which have been common-law. He
contemplates divorce but worries about the effects on his son. Mom had
left (for someone else) and has had two relationships during this time.
If they get a divorce now how will it affect their 12-year-old child (what
are the concerns)? Is there any reason to prolong this decision?
They have shared custody-50/50.
Thanks for your time,
Tracy Kane
...
Hi Tracy,
My question would be "if they divorce now, what changes?" It is often
said that a child is better off with two happily divorced parents (or one
happily divorced parent) than two unhappily married parents – I agree with
this.
The question for me is not how the divorce will impact on the child, but
much rather: What has the impact of the strained relationships over the past
years been on the child and to what extent has repair/strengthening of
relationships taken place? What will change now in terms of
relationships (rather than divorce)? How will the child's basic needs
in terms of relatedness and belonging still be met adequately within the
future relationships? What do the parents need to do to ensure that
their child feels loved and retains a sense of home despite the changes?
And then someone needs to ask this child how he/she feels about all this.
Just my thoughts.
Werner van der Westhuizen
SOS Children's Village
Port Elizabeth
...
In response to Tracy's question about divorce – my question is what is the
difference between the situation they are living in now (separation) and the
finality that a divorce brings? If the parents have been apart for a
number of years, what is holding them back from finalizing it? I can't
see any reasons to remain legally married if the two parents are living
their own separate lives. As well, how do the other partners feel
about the fact that the parents of the child are holding off after an
extended period of time to finalize the divorce? I would assume it
would at some point, if not already is creating some sort of tension in
their relationships, and if not for the whole family. Also, if the son
is aware that the parents are not legally divorced, that could possibly
bring false-hope of reconciliation to the son.
That is something that should be avoided, yet the
parents could be doing that unintentionally.
I would say that holding off on something that appears to be "over" is only
doing more harm than good. I return to my original query; how is
divorcing different from separation? Also, who is it benefitting to
NOT separate? I would assume no one.
Julia Evangelisto
...
I do not understand what the dilemma is in this case? They are not together
and have not been for half of the boy's life, they are both in another
relationship...the only thing a divorce should do is secure the belief that
there will be no reconciliation which should prove beneficial to their son
and his adjustments to life.
Marsha Orien
...
Get the divorce and allow the family to move on to a more positive outlook
and allow for closure for a past relationship between a man and women, the
child has both parents through shared custody. Both parents have the right
to life in all aspects of their world one of them being to make life changes
that allow for future peace and stability to their personal life which will
in turn foster a more solid foundation (finalizing any pondering questions
the child may express or internalize of a reconciliation between parents).
Susan Mosure
...
The short answer to question 1 is yes it will have an impact but the type
and nature will depend on the nature of the relationship he has with his
parents, the type of conflict he has seen between the parents and where he
is at developmentally as a young person and what his level of emotional
stability is at.
So to question 2 ... depending on the answers above, they may very well want
to consider how they move forward ... it could mean delaying ... but if
there overt conflict that is damaging this may take them in another
direction ... or again they may move forward but have a planned process to
involve all children and have time for preparation for this change as well
as what may be coming down the road.
These are huge issues for children because it is often the case that they
experience loss after loss with no control over events and it is also often
not their choice. Most children want their family! Plain and simple.
Check out a few things:
My wife and my website for resources for professionals and families
http://www.stepinstitute.ca/
Also Judith Wallerstein's book about the impact of divorce on children (25
year follow-up) and the book Imperfect Harmony ... it is a
different take on divorce ... suggests staying together for the sake of the
children.
All the best.
Rick Kelly
...
Hi Tanya,
Wow, that is a complicated situation. I have a couple of thoughts ...
1) It seems as though the only actual piece missing in this scenario is the
"legalities" that accompany divorce. Every other aspect of this child's
family relationship point to O-V-E-R. If each parent is already living as
though the marriage is fully dissolved (emotionally and legally) then, I
really wonder why these parents WOULDN'T divorce.
2) Building on that, I would even worry that perhaps keeping the marriage
while living completely outside of it would be confusing to the youth in
question. I believe that children need to know clearly the boundaries of
relationships and this seems to be potentially a very blurry situation. What
if this child believes that because the marriage is not yet "over" that his
parents are getting back together, when in fact they are not? Of course, I
do not know the stories/motivations of the parents, but I would strongly
suggest that they speak candidly with each other about whether or not either
of them plan to re-unite with the other. If they do not plan to do this,
then they should divorce, giving their child a clear boundary of where their
relationship lies. Question – Do they each believe that their marriage is
over?
Just my thoughts...
Shauna Lee
...
Tracy,
I feel as though the damage has already been done. I think that if they have
been separated for that long, the effects on the child should be evident
already. I feel that divorce and separation have the same influence on the
child. I think all that needs to be done now is to address his feelings
(possibly of shame, anger, guilt, sadness). I think that ultimately children
want to feel protected (emotionally and physically), so both parents still
need to provide that security even when they are apart. I believe it comes
down to the fact that children are afraid! Afraid of being abandoned, afraid
of change, afraid of losing attachment and so much more and they just need
to know that their parents still care for them and he is still their child.
A lot of times, older children will show their emotions through their
actions which could lead to drugs, alcohol, aggressive behavior etc soon in
adolescence. So I don't think prolonging their divorce is what they should
be worried about, but rather focusing on the child's needs and feelings as
it seems they have been ignored for 6 years. Although children a lot of
times are forgotten in a divorce/separation, they are first priority.
I believe that reassuring the child that both parents love him, minimizing
conflict, addressing his feelings, and providing a support structure for him
will allow him to deal with his emotions. This structure could consist of,
but is not limited to; friends, family, teachers, doctors, therapists.
Children sometimes benefit from having a pet as their
friend and most importantly, the parents need to be directly involved. They
just want to have consistency; they want to have a balance of being nurtured
and disciplined and the parents need to recognize this!
Mandy Thorogood
...
Hi my name is Bailey I am in my second year of Child and Youth Care
Counselling at Mount Royal University.
There are many questions that I am asking myself about this situation.
How is the child feeling? What are his feelings towards the parents?
Does the child understand the relationship with his parents? If the
parents are still married, is the child hoping that his parents will get
back together? If the parents do get a divorce what changes will be made in
the child's life?
As with any divorce or separation that involves children
there are many questions that need to be asked and answered.
The child may be confused having his parents staying married, but not living
together. Has anyone talked to the child about the situation?
How is the child coping? I understand that this situation has been
happening for almost half of the child's life, but how is the child
emotionally and developmentally? Any divorce or separation that
happens in a child's life is going to have a major impact on that child.
They may not understand what healthy relationships are. And in time
the child may have doubts about his relationships as an adult.
The parents relationship is clearly over, the father has been with someone
else for five years out of the six that they have been separated.
Getting a divorce may not change anything in the family dynamics, after all
the parents have shared custody of the child. Getting a divorce for
the parents may bring closure for them, and their child as well; they may be
able to move on with their lives and their relationships.
Bailey Johnston
